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May 26, 2010
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"For Those Of You Who Suffer ..."

Are you struggling from pain, one of the fallen.
A warrior to the world, a defeated body full of pain on the inside.
A disruption in life, making you feel weak and vulnerable.
Treatment, a life extension, making you disappear for the world outside.

Medication given, not making it any better, the end is still near.
Another young life has fallen into the depths of endless agony.
Family is lost, not able to help, only to see their beloved ones wither away.
A lot of false hope floating through life, a scenery of unhumanity.

For those of you who suffer, we salute you.
For those of you who suffer, we respect you.
For those of you who suffer, we honour you.
For those of you who die, we hope you have peace at last.

When the day arrives for you to go, a moment of silence passes by.
All seems well in these moments before the storm comes and takes, takes it hard and graceless.
Family and friends come to pay their last respects, wishing you rest, peace and love.
There you go, peace at last, a moment of pain, then silence and darkness.

No more pain
No more fight
No more restrain
Only rest at your last flight


"...And Fly Away To Rest In Peace Forever"
Made an underlying message, please give me some comments if it works, or works better with something else, please tell me.

For a more visual view look here, the DD-award-winning template and the visual poetry deviation:



Personally I think this is my best piece ever. It makes me cry, it makes me think, it helps me get rid of some nasty (troubling) thoughts. But it sure makes me remember the fallen ones. Hope you like it.

I started writing this a while ago, when a cousin of my dad died, he was 38 years old, he had a cancer-type only 3 other people in the world had, so the doctors didn't know enough about it, he suffered alot of pain, but still seemed to be worried about his loved ones. The last day he stood fierce and prowd beside his invalid car, a woman stopped and asked him: "do you know where the young man lives, that is in need of sedation" he answered: "Yeah, that is me".

That was his moment of silence, his moment of peace, before the storm came and dead took him away the day after.

He lived his life as he wanted it, eventually he had peace with his condition, but not with the pain and suffering it had taken on his parents, especially his father, who has longcancer. His father lost his last brother, survived one of his sons, had surgery himself multiple times, his wife went to hospital several times and still they all stand proud and fierce as a family.

This poem is featured overhere:

:pointr: Sadness week news article by #All-Media

:pointr: They have something to say to you news article by ~BlueRose00

Thank you very much fro doing so :bow:
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:iconhtsundance:
It's a nice peace, and it's written on a very painful subject. I'll critique the form and flow behind this piece though. Heartfelt, powerful subjects should not carry the actual content, but add to it.

The message is strong, and you convey it in a very straightforward way. I think that's a good thing. While a lot of poetry might incorporate flowery lines and elaborate descriptions, you kept it simple, but in a passively forward way. That's good. However on these first two stanzas, I think you got a little bit lost.

"Are you struggling from pain, one of the fallen.
A warrior outside, a defeated pile of pain on the inside.
A disruption inside, making you feel weak and vulnerable.
Medicine working as a life extension, making you disappear for the world outside."

You use some forceful terms here that are great, such as "one of the fallen", "warrior", "disruption", but the interconnections between these striking phrases fall just a bit short in places. Such as "... outside, a defeated pile of pain on the inside. A disruption inside ..." You use that "inside" word twice very close together, and it made me feel as if the graceful dunes of sorrow I just crossed over became a craggy rock face for a moment. The flow was broken, and then it returned. I'm also not a massive fan of the term "pile of pain". I think it feels dumbed down in comparison to the graceful but powerful other phrases you make use of. I feel like I might hear that in a Nirvana song before this graceful peace of poetry.

I'm not going to tell you how to fix those lines, because this is your poem and you have a lot of heart invested into it, but I guarantee you can take that small stumble and perfect the stanza. I'd love to see that.

"The medicine, not making it any better, the end is still near.
Another young life has fallen into the depths of endless suffer.
Family is lost, not able to help, only to see their beloved ones wither away.
A lot of false hope is floating through life, it is only making things rougher."

I think the simple approach became almost too simple here. I only need to change a few words and that first line would basically read "Medicine isn't making you better, you're going to die." and that doesn't feel very poetic. Stating things clearly isn't always bad, but subtlety is a powerful tool if you utilize it, which you do frequently in the other sections of this poem. You also just used the "medicine" word in the line above this one. That's an easy way to make things feel rather choppy.

The phrase "... the depths of endless suffer." confuses me. Do you mean endless suffering? I'm not sure. The last line there also, "... it is only making things rougher." feels a little clunky in view to the rest of the poem. I think that point is minor, but I thought I would mention it.

I honestly can't find any fault in the rest of the poem. You did a wonderful job, and you didn't let the power of the subject matter carry you along. I hope I didn't come across as critical or harsh, but I would love to see you refine this beautiful piece!

Keep writing--you're good at it. :)
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:iconcontje35:
contje35 Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2012
thanks for this poem my father was died from cancer en my mother was still alive thank god and those people i got respect for your family becouse cancer is a terrible desease that no man should get greetings contje
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:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Dank je wel en graag gedaan. Ja zelfs je ergste vijand wens je het niet toe.

Ik hoop dat het geholpen heeft zoals het mij geholpen heeft. Alleen heeft het schrijven van dit gedicht mij nog veel meer geholpen.
Ik lucht mezelf op met gedichten schrijven en al mijn gevoelens gaan er in op. Maar als ik er een ander ook mee kan helpen, voel ik mij pas echt blij.

Gecondoleerd met je vader.
Reply
:iconcontje35:
contje35 Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012
dank je voor jou berichtje en inderdaad zonder dat gedichten schrijven was het niet goed gegaanikkan er ook alles in kwijt dus groetjes contje
Reply
:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Graag gedaan.

Ja. ik persoonlijk zit alleen een beetje vast, writers-block. Kan heelveel verzinnen, maar op papier zetten lukt me niet.
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:icondeadmanspuppet:
DeadMansPuppet Featured By Owner May 23, 2012
this is amazing! love how its writen
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:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner May 25, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you very much and also for the :+fav:
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:iconnekowolf95:
NekoWolf95 Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is a wonderful piece of work written very beautifully on something so rash. I like how the bolded words basically create writing all it's own on the same subject. I truly find this amazing. Excellent job~ :3
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:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you very much and also for the :+fav:
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:iconnekowolf95:
NekoWolf95 Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
you are very welcome! :meow::hug:~
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:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
:iconbowplz:
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