For those of you who suffer ..

It's a nice peace, and it's written on a very painful subject. I'll critique the form and flow behind this piece though. Heartfelt, powerful subjects should not carry the actual content, but add to it.

The message is strong, and you convey it in a very straightforward way. I think that's a good thing. While a lot of poetry might incorporate flowery lines and elaborate descriptions, you kept it simple, but in a passively forward way. That's good. However on these first two stanzas, I think you got a little bit lost.

"Are you struggling from pain, one of the fallen.
A warrior outside, a defeated pile of pain on the inside.
A disruption inside, making you feel weak and vulnerable.
Medicine working as a life extension, making you disappear for the world outside."

You use some forceful terms here that are great, such as "one of the fallen", "warrior", "disruption", but the interconnections between these striking phrases fall just a bit short in places. Such as "... outside, a defeated pile of pain on the inside. A disruption inside ..." You use that "inside" word twice very close together, and it made me feel as if the graceful dunes of sorrow I just crossed over became a craggy rock face for a moment. The flow was broken, and then it returned. I'm also not a massive fan of the term "pile of pain". I think it feels dumbed down in comparison to the graceful but powerful other phrases you make use of. I feel like I might hear that in a Nirvana song before this graceful peace of poetry.

I'm not going to tell you how to fix those lines, because this is your poem and you have a lot of heart invested into it, but I guarantee you can take that small stumble and perfect the stanza. I'd love to see that.

"The medicine, not making it any better, the end is still near.
Another young life has fallen into the depths of endless suffer.
Family is lost, not able to help, only to see their beloved ones wither away.
A lot of false hope is floating through life, it is only making things rougher."

I think the simple approach became almost too simple here. I only need to change a few words and that first line would basically read "Medicine isn't making you better, you're going to die." and that doesn't feel very poetic. Stating things clearly isn't always bad, but subtlety is a powerful tool if you utilize it, which you do frequently in the other sections of this poem. You also just used the "medicine" word in the line above this one. That's an easy way to make things feel rather choppy.

The phrase "... the depths of endless suffer." confuses me. Do you mean endless suffering? I'm not sure. The last line there also, "... it is only making things rougher." feels a little clunky in view to the rest of the poem. I think that point is minor, but I thought I would mention it.

I honestly can't find any fault in the rest of the poem. You did a wonderful job, and you didn't let the power of the subject matter carry you along. I hope I didn't come across as critical or harsh, but I would love to see you refine this beautiful piece!

Keep writing--you're good at it. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Smile)"/>