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"For Those Of You Who Suffer ..."

Are you struggling from pain, one of the fallen.
A warrior to the world, a defeated body full of pain on the inside.
A disruption in life, making you feel weak and vulnerable.
Treatment, a life extension, making you disappear for the world outside.

Medication given, not making it any better, the end is still near.
Another helpless soul has fallen into the depths of this endless agony.
Family is lost, not able to help, only to see their beloved ones wither away.
A lot of false hope floating through life, a scenery of inhumanity.

For those of you who suffer, we salute you.
For those of you who suffer, we respect you.
For those of you who suffer, we honor you.
For those of you who die, we hope you have peace at last.

When the day arrives for you to go, a moment of tranquility passes by.
All seems well in these moments before the storm comes, but then takes it hard and graceless.
Family and friends come to pay their last respects, wishing you rest, strength and love.
There you go, finally rest in prospect, a burst of pain, then forever silence and darkness.

No more pain
No more fight
No more restrain
Only rest at your last flight


"...And Fly Away To Rest In Peace Forever"
Made an underlying message, please give me some comments if it works, or works better with something else, please tell me.

For a more visual view look here, the DD-award-winning template and the visual poetry deviation:



Personally I think this is my best piece ever. It makes me cry, it makes me think, it helps me get rid of some nasty (troubling) thoughts. But it sure makes me remember the fallen ones. Hope you like it.

I started writing this a while ago, when a cousin of my dad died, he was 38 years old, he had a cancer-type only 3 other people in the world had, so the doctors didn't know enough about it, he suffered alot of pain, but still seemed to be worried about his loved ones. The last day he stood fierce and prowd beside his invalid car, a woman stopped and asked him: "do you know where the young man lives, that is in need of sedation" he answered: "Yeah, that is me".

That was his moment of silence, his moment of peace, before the storm came and dead took him away the day after.

He lived his life as he wanted it, eventually he had peace with his condition, but not with the pain and suffering it had taken on his parents, especially his father, who has longcancer. His father lost his last brother, survived one of his sons, had surgery himself multiple times, his wife went to hospital several times and still they all stand proud and fierce as a family.

This poem is featured overhere:

:pointr: Sadness week news article by #All-Media

:pointr: They have something to say to you news article by ~BlueRose00

Thank you very much fro doing so :bow:
Add a Comment:
 
:iconcloudsovercali:
It's a nice peace, and it's written on a very painful subject. I'll critique the form and flow behind this piece though. Heartfelt, powerful subjects should not carry the actual content, but add to it.

The message is strong, and you convey it in a very straightforward way. I think that's a good thing. While a lot of poetry might incorporate flowery lines and elaborate descriptions, you kept it simple, but in a passively forward way. That's good. However on these first two stanzas, I think you got a little bit lost.

"Are you struggling from pain, one of the fallen.
A warrior outside, a defeated pile of pain on the inside.
A disruption inside, making you feel weak and vulnerable.
Medicine working as a life extension, making you disappear for the world outside."

You use some forceful terms here that are great, such as "one of the fallen", "warrior", "disruption", but the interconnections between these striking phrases fall just a bit short in places. Such as "... outside, a defeated pile of pain on the inside. A disruption inside ..." You use that "inside" word twice very close together, and it made me feel as if the graceful dunes of sorrow I just crossed over became a craggy rock face for a moment. The flow was broken, and then it returned. I'm also not a massive fan of the term "pile of pain". I think it feels dumbed down in comparison to the graceful but powerful other phrases you make use of. I feel like I might hear that in a Nirvana song before this graceful peace of poetry.

I'm not going to tell you how to fix those lines, because this is your poem and you have a lot of heart invested into it, but I guarantee you can take that small stumble and perfect the stanza. I'd love to see that.

"The medicine, not making it any better, the end is still near.
Another young life has fallen into the depths of endless suffer.
Family is lost, not able to help, only to see their beloved ones wither away.
A lot of false hope is floating through life, it is only making things rougher."

I think the simple approach became almost too simple here. I only need to change a few words and that first line would basically read "Medicine isn't making you better, you're going to die." and that doesn't feel very poetic. Stating things clearly isn't always bad, but subtlety is a powerful tool if you utilize it, which you do frequently in the other sections of this poem. You also just used the "medicine" word in the line above this one. That's an easy way to make things feel rather choppy.

The phrase "... the depths of endless suffer." confuses me. Do you mean endless suffering? I'm not sure. The last line there also, "... it is only making things rougher." feels a little clunky in view to the rest of the poem. I think that point is minor, but I thought I would mention it.

I honestly can't find any fault in the rest of the poem. You did a wonderful job, and you didn't let the power of the subject matter carry you along. I hope I didn't come across as critical or harsh, but I would love to see you refine this beautiful piece!

Keep writing--you're good at it. :)
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:iconcontje35:
contje35 Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2012
thanks for this poem my father was died from cancer en my mother was still alive thank god and those people i got respect for your family becouse cancer is a terrible desease that no man should get greetings contje
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:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Dank je wel en graag gedaan. Ja zelfs je ergste vijand wens je het niet toe.

Ik hoop dat het geholpen heeft zoals het mij geholpen heeft. Alleen heeft het schrijven van dit gedicht mij nog veel meer geholpen.
Ik lucht mezelf op met gedichten schrijven en al mijn gevoelens gaan er in op. Maar als ik er een ander ook mee kan helpen, voel ik mij pas echt blij.

Gecondoleerd met je vader.
Reply
:iconcontje35:
contje35 Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012
dank je voor jou berichtje en inderdaad zonder dat gedichten schrijven was het niet goed gegaanikkan er ook alles in kwijt dus groetjes contje
Reply
:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Graag gedaan.

Ja. ik persoonlijk zit alleen een beetje vast, writers-block. Kan heelveel verzinnen, maar op papier zetten lukt me niet.
Reply
:icondeadmanspuppet:
DeadMansPuppet Featured By Owner May 23, 2012
this is amazing! love how its writen
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:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner May 25, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you very much and also for the :+fav:
Reply
:iconnekowolf95:
NekoWolf95 Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is a wonderful piece of work written very beautifully on something so rash. I like how the bolded words basically create writing all it's own on the same subject. I truly find this amazing. Excellent job~ :3
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:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you very much and also for the :+fav:
Reply
:iconnekowolf95:
NekoWolf95 Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
you are very welcome! :meow::hug:~
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:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
:iconbowplz:
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:iconrothus66:
rothus66 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Very moving.
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:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you very much and also for the :+fav:
Reply
:icon00niesje00:
00niesje00 Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
beautiful ^^
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:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Dank je wel voor de :+fav:

En misschien iets voor jou :iconnlschrijvers:
Reply
:icon00niesje00:
00niesje00 Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
hee hoe weet je dat ik nederland ben:P checking my ID much ;) lol... hee bedankt !! ga ik zeker naar kijken :) en geen probleem, die was zeker verdiend <3
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:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Hahaha, staat gewoon bovenaan je profiel :XD:

Goed zo :iconbowplz:
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:icon00niesje00:
00niesje00 Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:P lol OHJAH xD hahahaha vergeten oepsie xD nvm :D
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:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Heheheh :D
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:icon00niesje00:
00niesje00 Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:D zo ongelooflijk snugger xD najaa... dat heb je soms xD
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:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Ach kan gebeuren, het overkomt iedereen wel hoor :D
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(1 Reply)
:iconmusesdaughter:
MusesDaughter Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
lovely! I am a cancer survivor, and my husband is as well. this is very well written.
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:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you very much, also for the watching add. Wow, great for you both. Are you 100 % safe, here in the netherlands they give people 5 years, if doesn't come back in those 5 years, they are 100 % cured.

I've written this for one that hasn't been that lucky, dying at 38 years old or what ever age before reaching 75, should be a crime, after that age, it should allowed only peacefully.
Reply
:iconmusesdaughter:
MusesDaughter Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Yes I am lucky that mine was cured with surgery alone. I had a choice of radiation or the more drastic surgery, it was an easy choice. My husband is 10 years remission but its blood cancer, and not considered cured. We are both totally well though, for all intents and purposes.
yes I saw that it for your young relative. That is sad...its hard to watch people go, especially when they are so young. I did some hospice nursing and it was tough but many go with a quiet dignity that surpasses even poetic description.
Reply
:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
OK good.

Hmm, can he be cured for 100%?

That's good that you're both well. And you have eachother too.

Yeah it is :( all my family who has died in 20 years, past away from cancer, I myself have an exam next week for hemarroids and I hope they do find them. For I don't know how I will react if it could be something else. I'm very nervous.
Reply
:iconmusesdaughter:
MusesDaughter Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Right now he is "NED" which is no evidence of disease...a nice, solid remission. They can't really consider it cured ever unless he has a bone marrow transplant, which we will do if he ever gets sick. He has a type of leukemia called CML. I am totally cured, because I had the mastectomy and there was no spread. Thats how its different between us. He takes medicine every day for his, and I am just fine without.
Anyway, don't worry yourself. cancer sucks but if you spend your life thinking about it, you are going to worry yourself into trouble. Just live and be nice to your body and do nice things for people and not worry.
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:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
OK, I hope he stays well then.

OK That's also good to hear.

Yeah, I know I shouldn't worry, but I unknowingly do until I catch myself, then I go on with normal thinking. Thank you very much.

:huggle:
Reply
:iconlon3wolf396:
LoN3WolF396 Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Well done! It's beautiful.
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:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you very much and also for the :+fav:
Reply
:iconlon3wolf396:
LoN3WolF396 Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Your welcome ^-^
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:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
:iconbowplz:
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:iconghostdemon915:
GhostDemon915 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Bravo! :iconhandclapplz:
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:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you very much
Reply
:iconghostdemon915:
GhostDemon915 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I Sent an angel to watch over you last night, but it came back. I asked why: ... The angel said:"angels don't watch over angels!"
Twenty angels are IN your world. Ten of them are sleeping, nine are playing, One is reading this message. Send this to ten friends including me if I don't get it back then I guess I'm not one of them... as soon as you get five replies someone you love will quietly surprise you..
Reply
:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
I normally don't do tags or spam messages.

I Sent an angel to watch over you last night, but it came back. I asked why: ... The angel said:"angels don't watch over angels!"
Twenty angels are IN your world. Ten of them are sleeping, nine are playing, One is reading this message. Send this to ten friends including me if I don't get it back then I guess I'm not one of them... as soon as you get five replies someone you love will quietly surprise you..
Reply
:iconghostdemon915:
GhostDemon915 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I Sent an angel to watch over you last night, but it came back. I asked why: ... The angel said:"angels don't watch over angels!"
Twenty angels are IN your world. Ten of them are sleeping, nine are playing, One is reading this message. Send this to ten friends including me if I don't get it back then I guess I'm not one of them... as soon as you get five replies someone you love will quietly surprise you..

I did this because I felt like it :D
Reply
:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Hehehe cool, I did it too, cause it felt good too.
Reply
:iconghostdemon915:
GhostDemon915 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Hehe I totally thought of something wrong :D
Reply
:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Wut?
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconjacobsonblackwaters:
JacobsonBlackwaters Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Beautiful... :cries:

I had a grandfather who died of prostate cancer when I was a child and this poem made me think about him. I'm sure he's happy where ever he is now :)
Reply
:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
I Sent an angel to watch over you last night, but it came back. I asked why: ... The angel said:"angels don't watch over angels!"
Twenty angels are IN your world. Ten of them are sleeping, nine are playing, One is reading this message. Send this to ten friends including me if I don't get it back then I guess I'm not one of them... as soon as you get five replies someone you love will quietly surprise you..
Reply
:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you :hug:

So sad, cancer is the most wrecking dissease on the planet. It kills more people then all wars combined.

Thank you very much for the :+fav: too
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:iconwritingxsquirrelxftw:
WritingxSQUIRRELxFTW Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:tears:
I... uh, I have a lot of family with cancer, so.

...definitely lots of meaning in there. I can't even think of the words, otherwise you'd have a longer comment than the deviation going here, but I can't.

All I can say is... I haven't read any of your other stuff (I can assure you I now am going to), but this is most definitely your best piece so far.

:heart:

Amazing, and beautiful, and.. beyond words.
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:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
I Sent an angel to watch over you last night, but it came back. I asked why: ... The angel said:"angels don't watch over angels!"
Twenty angels are IN your world. Ten of them are sleeping, nine are playing, One is reading this message. Send this to ten friends including me if I don't get it back then I guess I'm not one of them... as soon as you get five replies someone you love will quietly surprise you..
Reply
:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
I feel with you, I have the same thing. All the family members that have died the past 20 years, all died of cancer. I have an hospital exam january 9th, a lower gastrointestinal examination for hemorrhoids. I hope thats what they will find, I'm very nervous about the exam. Sorry to tell you this. And offcourse thank you very much, also for the :+fav:
Reply
:iconwritingxsquirrelxftw:
WritingxSQUIRRELxFTW Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Dear God, I hope that's all they find. ... ... "Cancer don't discriminate..."- I'm Gonna Love You Through It by Martina McBride.

I don't usually pray... 'cause I'm uncertain about shtuff, but I shall be for you. :heart:

Welcome :hug:
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:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
I hope so too.

Well I'm an atheist, but thank you anyway.

And thank you very much for the :+fav:'s and watching add.

And a happy new year to you.
Reply
:iconwritingxsquirrelxftw:
WritingxSQUIRRELxFTW Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:)

Oh. Well, then. I... I don't wanna take it back, but at the same time... I don't really... ugh.

Sorry, words don't come right to me unless they're in poems XD

You're welcome :)

Happy New Year to you too!
Reply
:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Hehehe

No problem.

hahaha OK

Thanks.
Reply
:iconwritingxsquirrelxftw:
WritingxSQUIRRELxFTW Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
mkay

welcome :)
Reply
:icontap-photo-and-co:
Tap-Photo-and-Co Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
How was your new years eve?
Reply
(1 Reply)
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